There is no Easy Way

to say this, so I guess I just will to get it out of the way and move on. Normally, I wouldn't post something as personal as this but since I already announced it, I kind of need to at least acknowledge what has happened. I've been avoiding it but really I've had lots to write about over the last few days and I should just spit it out already.

We are so sad to report that we've lost the baby we were expecting due to a rare genetic disorder called Trisomy 13. It is a chromosome abnormality that is not compatible with life and has very low survival rates both during pregnancy and after delivery. It has been a really shitty week but we're doing better and trying to focus on our 3 beautiful, healthy, and happy children. Here they are...I just can't get enough love and hugs from them right now.

This is a terrible loss for us, but we are so blessed and appreciative for what we have. Never moreso than now. The kids have taken this in stride and seem to feel okay asking questions and talking about it a bit over the last days.

I'm feeling better physically than I did and finally got a non-drug induced sleep last night which I'm so relieved about. My heart has been racing for days, despite almost no caffeine, and I had one night of zero sleep that was just the worst. It seems to have calmed...I guess it's hormones working their way out. Damn hormones.

So, I'm going back to work tomorrow since I'm getting stir crazy from being home and I need something else to focus my thoughts on. Plus I just want to get that first day back over with. People have been really supportive and thoughtful and having such caring family and friends has helped tremendously.

Anyway, that's that.

Are You Sitting Down?

Good. Here we go...

Joe and I are proud to announce that Downes No 4 is on the way! I know, SHOCKING, isn't it????? It seems pretty rare these days to go beyond 3 from what I can tell. We actually do know 3 families with 4 kids - 1 was an a 3rd child that turned out to be twins, but the other 2 were intended that way. I'm going to need to tap in to those guys for some advice...How do you find your sanity? Do you EVER go out anymore? Are you drowning in diapers? Is your family schedule color coded? (That's the part I really look forward to, of course). Right now I'm desperately booking my baby sitter for as many days as I can! Not only does 4 change things on the babysitting front, but our sitter is transferring colleges and moving away. HUGE bummer.


It's so not on anyones radar that people haven't even been noticing that I haven't been drinking (although what could drive you to drink more, really?). They don't even NOTICE! That's what a circus freak I was feeling like for awhile there. It's still sort of a weird conversation to have with people...a few family members were beyond shocked and didn't have much to say (I get it. Really, I do).



We told the kids this past weekend and they seem cool with it. Shelagh actually asked me, while in the shower last week with me, why I looked like I had a baby belly when Kelly already came out. Rory asked where my belly button went and interestingly, Kelly has been poking my stomach. Shelagh has named the baby already for girl or boy. Rory said he would like a baby brother now because "there are enough girls in this family".



I asked the big kids each what was 1 thing they were worried about and 2 things they thought were cool about it (yes, I sort of stacked the deck. let's call it "spin"). Shelagh said she was worried that even if we put the new baby up high on the table that Kelly would not be gentle with it. She was happy that 1) she'd have another kid in the family to play with if Rory or Kelly wouldn't go along with her games and 2) she'd always be oldest and would be able to be teacher if they played school. Rory said that he'd love to have a new delicate baby around. He doesn't seem to be worried about anything other than the too many girls in the family thing.

Anyway, it's big news and certainly a big change coming to our family in September. Oh yeah, I just bought new pants for the first time in like 6+ years from having lost weight. See ya! Rubber band on the pants already and Maternity clothes out and sorted through. They are seriously getting immediately passed on after this. Hello, steamy hot summer with me as big as a house. AWESOME!



Oh yeah, the baby is doing fine..I got a nice few U/S profile pics, a hand wave, and all tests look good so far despite my "advanced maternal age", my genetic counseling I had to have this time, and a quick but resolved no-heartbeat scare. I'm feeling good and beyond the seriously exhausted stage. So, onward we go!!

Kelly at 4 Months

I don't care that this is a boy outfit. How cute does Kelly look??? You'd never know she's been completely sick - congested, coughing, boogies - for a good week. She's the happiest baby.

First Day Back at Work

Is not going so bad...

1. I didn't cry when I dropped off Kelly, even though she did her first real belly laugh last night and I was so sad thinking about leaving her. The laughing was awesome. She is ticklish and was cracking up.
2. I got through all 750+ emails this morning with less than 10 not deleted. Yay.
3. I've managed to navigate all the inevitable access problems, etc after being locked out during my leave.
4. I've managed to avoid the director on my new project until now.
5. I've caught up with some friends.
6. I've not eaten any chocolate yet today which is HUGE. I'm usually non-stop into the candy at work.

It's not so bad.

SUCCESS!!!!!

SHE DID IT!!!! Thank God. I was really freaking out. She seriously just sucked down 3 bottles in minutes. Now I just have to pump like mad to build up supply before I screw everything up by trying to switch to formula. Let's hope she doesn't reject nursing later :)

Stubborn Kelly

STILL won't take a bottle. Less than a week until work starts and she is holding her ground. Another mom and the kids preschool suggested a bootcamp approach, so we're staying home today and that's what I'm going to do. This woman held her ground with bottles and it took her 2 days. I'll nurse her morning and evening as I plan to do on work days, but no nursing during the day - only pumping and bottles. I'm prepared for LOTS of crying today. Not looking forward to it. She is sleeping now thankfully.

Kellys Summer Fashion Show

I forgot to post this before our trip to Disney. I had to do a little Fashion show with Shelaghs old 0-3/3-6 month clothes. What fun...I didn't think Kelly would be able to wear some of my favorite things b/c of her being born in a different season than Shelagh. She was a trooper and cooperated for a good hour. There were many more outfits, but these are the best pics I think.

Kelly: 3 Months

I can't believe Kelly is 3+ months now. Time flies. She's a sweet baby with a good disposition and lots of smiles. She is kicking a ton now so shes ending up in a different spot in her crib than she starts. She has chunked out and is getting tough to carry in the car seat! She is now sleeping in her own room on her tummy and doing great...Only up 1 time per night for about a week+ now. Unfortunately, with less than 2 weeks to go until I return to work, she still refuses to take a bottle. It's getting stressful. She's not old enough for solids yet, so it's not like she'll make it very long in the home care where she'll be without taking a bottle. Anyway, I continue to try. Here are some recent pictures of her - she really resembles Shelagh as a baby now, other than the hair.

And with her loving big sister...

Less than 1 Month Left and No Bottle

I'm heading back to work mid-May and Kelly refuses to take a bottle. On one hand, she's nursing beautifully and I'm loving the easiness of not dealing with bottles and nursing her quickly wherever I am, etc. On the other hand, what the hell am I going to do??? I'm trying hard not to think of my friend whose baby screamed all day at day care and then nursed ALL NIGHT for a super-long time after she went back. Trying. Not. To. Think. About. It.

She won't even let her lips touch the nipple. Avent - out. Playtex - out. I just bought Nam and Gerber bottles which each have different shaped nipples. I tried breastmilk and formula. I tried all different temperatures. I tried partially nursing, then bottle. Full feeding, then bottle. Joe doing it. Me doing it. NOTHING IS WORKING! Fingers crossed one of these freakin bottles works soon.

Lava Flow

Not that people want to hear about the details of my kids poop, but here we go. Of course we are on our way out of the house and in a rush this morning. I finally get Shelagh and Rory into shoes and coats (this is an ordeal every day - "Mommy, I need you to help me", "Mommy, I can do it myself", "Mommy, I have to poop now", etc, etc...you get the idea). As I get Kelly strapped into her carset she lets out this man-size fart and I know she's going to explode now. And she does.

Out of the carseat and over to change the diaper. I open the diaper and here comes more. Ewww. I close the diaper again quickly and - success - the poop is caught in the dirty diaper. You'd think I'd wait a minute or two before trying again, but no. I start to wipe it up and BAM, out comes more. Damn, it hits the onesie so now I have to take off her sweatshirt to change the onesie. It's hard to be annoyed b/c she is smiling so big up at me. I put a new diaper underneath her and BAM, out comes more again and Rory replies with "Mommy, Kellys poop is yellow! I love yellow!" Which he does.

It's now all over the changing pad cover, my hands, her onesie (it's a dance to get it over her head without transferring the poop to her hair, by the way). It's bad enough changing stinky poops all the time, but actually watching them come out and trying to catch them is a whole other ball game. And that was my morning!

Kellys 1st Hospital Visit (She's OK)

It was bound to happen...I'm pretty sure I had the flu last week. Fever, chills, dizziness, chest cold, head cold...you name it. I felt like ass. This is the 2nd time I've been super sick since Kelly has been born and it's amazing it took this long for her to catch something (between that and Rory snotting on her and sneezing and coughing on her). She was totally fine all day and then Joe said last night she felt really hot. Lo and behold she had 101.2 and the pediatrician sent us to the ER. So, off I went at 1030pm and did not return until 530am this morning.

As a rule, they do a 1) urine test, 2) blood test, and 3) spinal tap. Yes, you read that right. A spinal tap. This is b/c she is less than 3 months with what is considered a high fever for an infant. After talking to Joe I questioned the Dr and he agreed that other than feeling hot, Kelly looked totally fine and that maybe we could see what the other tests revealed first. Good thing, b/c it took 3 tries on the catheter for the urine test and they ended up bagging her instead. It then took 3 tries to get the blood. Poor thing screamed through all the poking and prodding. Otherwise, she was an angel - smiling and cooing at all the nurses and drs, especially for being awake for 4 hours straight. Then she passed out on me and I had to wait until she peed (2 hours) and then for the results (another hour).

As expected, she is fine, probably has my flu, and checked out perfectly with no fever at the dr this afternoon. I got about 3 hours of sleep this morning and am about to pass out.

A Big Smile

I just couldn't resist posting this picture from this morning. I can't believe I caught her smiling!

Kelly is 1 Month Old...

Miss Kelly is 1 Month old...Time flies! Things are good...Nursing has gotten much easier, thankfully; Kelly has been doing 3-4 hour stretches at night (yeah!); the kids are adjusting so well and LOVING the baby; and I'm feeling so much better from being so preggo and delivering and being sick. I have to say that going from 2 to 3 was SO much easier than going from 1 to 2. Granted Rory and Shelagh are only 19 mos apart and life was a bit more hectic. But, Kelly is still sleeping a lot and other than a few occasions where 2 or all 3 kids are screaming at once (it's loud), I feel like I have things under control.


Little Miss was exhausted after a busy morning of eating and a bath. Little does she know she has a dr appointment and will be getting a shot. Her day is going to get a bit more hectic...

Kellys 1st Restaurant Visit

We were supposed to have our Supper Club last night, but it was cancelled. Rather than lose the babysitter, we decided to head out to dinner with Kelly and leave the big kids with the sitter for just a couple of hours. Rory went out with us for Chinese Food when he was about 2-3 weeks old. Kellys 1st restaurant was a new Italian place in Cambridge called Trattoria Gran Gustino. Timing worked out great and she slept the entire time and woke up just before we got home for a last feeding. Yeah!!

It was really nice to get out to a restaurant and my food was awesome. Prosecco, Carpaccio, and a Shrimp/Tomato with Homemade Pasta entree. It had a cheddar tomato sauce which sounded so weird to me but the waiter recommended it. It was a light tomato juice sauce. Joe said he tasted the cheddar, but I didn't. It was light and delicious. Joe had a Caesar salad and Seafood Risotto. We finished with decaf cappucinos and Ricotta Pie which was delicious. It was a really authentic Italian place...Our waiter was the owner and all the staff seemed to be Italian. There were Italians in 3 tables around us talking to the owner. Lots of what we ate was homemade - my pasta, the bread, the pie...Joes dinner was not as good as mine, but mine was awesome.

Kelly Finishes Week 2

Here's Kelly from this weekend. I'm having such a good time putting her in dresses. I think when Shelagh was born leggings weren't IN or something b/c I never had her in dresses. Now that I can avoid tights, I'm loving dressing Kelly in more girly outfits. She has enough stuff from Shelagh, but mostly I had Shelagh in Sleep n Plays so it's been nice to find some winter dresses on sale and from gifts for Kelly. Plus, she's not a redhead so she can wear all the colors I've banned from the other kids - Red, Hot Pink, Orange, and Yellow - hurrah!

Shelagh with Kelly last week

Rory doing his favorite 2 things in the world...sucking his thumb and holding his beautiful baby sister.

The Dressing Up Begins

Remembering how I dressed and photographed Shelagh in new outfits all the time...Fun times with a girl :)

Introducing...

Kelly Bryce born on Wednesday 2/4/09 and weighing in at a whopping 7 lbs 10 oz. I guess that's not whopping, but I'm only 5 feet tall and that's huge for me and my biggest baby so far! Delivery went well overall. Labor was manageable and then I decided to go for the epidural and good thing I did. As it is only the left side really kicked in...the right side was still pins and needly and I felt a little more than I would have liked. Once end labor kicked in it REALLY kicked in and she pretty much sailed down. She didn't fly out but no complaints...A little bit of pushing and out she came quickly.

Joe is like man in charge around the house which is great. My parents are here and taking care of the food and playing with the kids and making them feel special. Shelagh and Rory seem to be ok with her being around so far. Shelagh decided to hold her once yesterday and once today which was cool. Rory keeps updating her on things ("Kelly, look, it's dark outside!"). She is nursing like a CHAMP much to my breasts chagrin. However, she decided to not sleep for her first night at home and nurse in 5 minute intervals. Fingers crossed for a better night tonight! I did squeeze in a nap today but I cannot do this every day...God help me.

Heading in Tomorrow...

So, my attempt at not being induced this time has pretty much failed unless I go into labor tonight. I gave it a good ole college try. I am now so bored, so big and so unable to do anything - plus I have the worst cold. My mom is already here and cooking away and I'm just waddling around being grumpy. The Dr is very surprised I didn't go this weekend. I'm at 3 cm dilated now, baby isn't going to get any lower unless she is on her way out. Hopefully I go tonight and then plan accomplished, but if not tomorrow they will take me and get things started. Yeah!

No Baby Yet, Officially in Lazy Mode

Baby is low, I'm slightly dilated and DR thinks it will be any day now. I can't sit with my legs closed or open at this point. I'm still sleeping like a log, thank God. Not for long, I know. We all have colds - nothing major but enough so that I really want it to clear for me for pushing and for the kids so that I'm not so anxious about them being around the baby and holding her.

Nothing like sitting and waiting...and waiting...and waiting...It's taking all my strength not to just schedule induction again, but I really want to let things happen naturally for once. Anyone that knows me is shocked by this decision and amazed that I haven't buckled yet. I so want to meet her and see what she looks like and see my kids faces when we present a new baby sister to them. I think it's been so long now for them that they have no concept that an actual baby will come out and that Mommys belly will not stay like this forever (although it feels like it). I probably should have waited longer to tell them, but it was hard to keep it in :)

We have done absolutely nothing today and will continue on this path. No need to be a hero. Shelagh has dance tomorrow and a birthday party so I'll try to do those things. My parents are coming up tomorrow night which will be great. Rory has a birthday party on Sunday. I'm officially done with work and Monday is the last Kindergarten tour for the public schools (we have school choice in my town and of course tours and registration are now) and another school. I hope I make it to those so I can settle my mind about where she will be going.

The kids are watching The Wiggles, which I swore I would never introduce. Of course, they LOVE the Wiggles and keep borrowing CDs from the library and love the DVD handed down from their cousins that they spotted before I could siphon it out. I'm cruel, I know. I guess they aren't as annoying as I thought. It's worth it to see Rory rock out and sing along.

No, I've Not Gone into Labor...

Just been hustling to get stuff done before baby arrives...Here's what has been going on:

1. I'm 1-2 cm dilated and baby is low, but she has a little further to go. Dr doesn't think I'll go early, and I haven't gone early before, but he thinks I'm on target for around due date, which is 2/2. I'm SO ready to meet her, start my maternity leave, and welcome this change into our family!!
2. Work is wrapping up and while I was going to work all 3 days this coming week, I think I'll bag Thursday and try to finish Monday and Tuesday.
3. Rory has been in preschool for 2 weeks now and is doing great! He loves that Shelaghs school is his school now too. Despite having some weepy drop offs, he has adjusted so well and his teachers are happy he came into the room before the other new kids from the younger class move up next week. He is the only one new to the school so he was able to get some special attention.
4. I'm hoping his friends in class using the potty will rub off on him and his teachers will really help him. I'm being VERY lazy on potty training since baby is about to arrive and he is just 3 anyway. I know boys and girls are very different about this but I have much less drive to get him trained. While it would be nice to stop diapers for him, I just don't have it in me right now to have him try every 1/2 hour like we did with Shelagh. Besides, he stands there for like 20 mins b/c he thinks now he'll get new cars when he pees REGARDLESS of whether he has to go or not. My fault :)
5. Shelagh is so hooked on drawing and art right now. It's great on several fronts...mostly b/c she really focuses on it and spends time thinking about colors and designs and also b/c it lets her work independently on something and frees up some time for me to do stuff while Rory naps.

I have some cooking stuff to post too...