Holy F-ing Bat

There Joe and I were...relaxing on the couch watching a mellow movie about Hitler. When, all of a sudden, Lickey the cat went on high alert and something swooshed through the room. Just when we thought maybe we were wrong (don't you always) - BAM - here it came again. An F-ing BAT!! Seriously!! A freakin' bat was flying around our living room. Although neither of us are fond of rodents, let alone flying rodents, we armed, we attacked, and - yes - we prevailed.

We armed...with dry swiffer, extra wide rake, and shower curtain in hand we planned our next move.

We attacked...we confirmed that our front and back doors were propped open and that all other doors in the house - including our children's bedroom doors - were closed. We noodled over how the hell a bat got into our house (me swearing I was calling rodent control first thing Monday AM NO MATTER WHAT b/c WHAT THE F - we must be infested! What if there is a whole nest or babies or something????). The cat went upstairs to guard the bathroom door needlessly. We have the biggest WUSS cat on the planet.

Joe made several attempts to lunge for it going up the steps, but that wiley bastard out manuevered us. He was circling our upstairs. The plan was put in place. I put on my hoodie and pulled the string tight (b/c as with the single plastic bag that gets put on the eggs that serves virtually no purpose and has no chance in preventing any eggs from breaking, I was sure that my J Crew Navy hoodie would prevent any bat bites from permeating my skin).

We prevailed...I slowly ascended the steps to the landing between the first and second floor. I waved the rake around to lure the creature towards me. I hit the deck. Holy shit, bats are scary. I got back up and he came for me. I whacked him once and hit him slightly. He came at me again...I whacked him harder but this time down the steps. Joe threw the shower curtain on him and whacked him repeatedly out the door confirming he flew away (as opposed to him dying on our deck and his limp body scaring the shit out of us and the kids in the morning).

We figure he had to have gotten in via the fireplace. It took a big bowl of chocolate Trader Joes ice cream to calm us down and a tense ending to the Hitler movie (Valkyrie, if you are wondering. And, yes, we liked it) to divert our attentions sufficiently.

Yes, this is a true story. I categorize this event under Crazy People (us), Funnies (b/c I was laughing at Joe lunging to and fro), I appreciate (b/c the kids slept through the whole thing and I didn't piss my pants), and Resolution (b/c I swear I will close that fireplace as soon as the frost clears each year).

By the way, the cat just secured her own future. She was on the way out with all the throwing up and crapping on the floor she's been doing lately. Now at least we'd have a slight warning that something is askew in the house, even if she doesn't do anything about it.