My Garden is a Failure this Year

Let's just say that I've harvested 1 strawberry, 1 zucchini, a handful of tomatoes (Shelagh eats those from the plant so who knows how many and most of those didn't make it to ripe stage before she gobbled them up), 1 small bunch of red leaf lettuce, and a plethora of my perennial herbs (thyme, chives).

Here's what didn't even make it to provide 1 measly little product...
1) Peppers - plant was green, but nothing looking like a flower or vegetable - 2nd year in a row
2) Sugar Snap Peas - pathetically dried up and never grew
3) Cucumbers, Zucchini, Squash - Seriously???? How much of an idiot am I to not be able to grow these runaway vegetables???
4) 1 onion plant and 1 garlic - these have been in the ground for 2-3 years now b/c I just haven't pulled them up. Someone told me to pull them when the sprouts above ground die. That came and went. Oh well again.
4) Basil, Dill, Parsley - all shriveled died
5) Hanging baskets of flowers - twice I tried these this summer. Both horribly brown and dead.
6) Potted flowers (4) - front and back of the house - all dead.

What I'm left with is a small garden plot with fresh black mulch, wimpy tipped-over and brown semi-plants, runaway strawberry plants, runaway thyme and chives, and a huge rock pit (a la Parks and Recreation, if you watched this past year).

I have a toxic thumb. I want so bad to have a nice little garden, but I don't want to water, weed, or pay any attention to it. Is that so difficult to accommodate???